Our Joy That Was Coming

"Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see"   -Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning"

By this point I was in a puddle of tears in the floor. Again.

When Jonathan and I took our trip to Houston to try to get answers about what we and our children faced, this song became our anthem.  We knew that the Lord had good and perfect plans for the pain that we were feeling but we surely didn't know what they were.  We were scared and sad and uncertain whether we would ever get to meet our precious twins this side of heaven.  In fact they told us that we probably wouldn't.  I ha yet to feel a pain like that.

Fast forward to one year ago today.  Our sweet Penny had spent 5 and a half months in the NICU and was finally coming home.  We were overjoyed and still scared to death.  Ten days later we were back at Lebonheur for another 4 months of hospitalization while she got her trach and home ventilator.  Again, not the way we wanted things to go.   Last summer we spent every day going back and forth to the hospital to spend as much time with her as possible, still unsure of what would happen.

We still don't know what's going to happen, but we know one thing for sure.  We have two very happy, very active, very beautiful toddlers.  Both of whom are toddling and babbling and getting into everything.  Penelope still uses her ventilator most of the time but gets 4 hours off of it a day.  Just to be able to pick her up and spin her in circles without getting tangled in the tubing is huge!

Today Jonathan, Lydia, Penelope, and I were playing in their nursery with the radio on. Penny was enjoying a little rock in the rocking chair when this song came on and she immediately started to dance. I didn't stand a chance.  I melted. 

Our little baby who was given a 10% chance of survival,  our little fighter who battled everything prematurity had to throw at her, our little ventilator baby who acts nothing like a baby on a ventilator.....was dancing for joy.  She is our joy that was coming.

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning


After I pulled myself together I captured the end of the song on video.