Complaining and Bragging

There is a little bit of normalcy that I didn't expect so soon.  The worn out mama.  I really thought that maybe with all of the amazing support that we have and with all of the gratitude that I feel for  being allowed to keep both of my children, just maybe I would be able to escape that feeling that it seems lots of moms have.  The "I don't have time to take care of myself, I can barely hold the house together, my patience is so taxed that I just can't handle any extra stressors, please can I have a tiny little piece of my life back" feeling.  It's not fun and it's not fun for the people around me.  I actually broke down in tears today at work.  Twice.  And darn it if those visually attuned deaf kids didn't notice and keep me from hiding it.

My coworkers were very sweet and supportive and suggested that I take a day off and go do whatever I wanted to do.  As tempting as that sounds, I miss about one day a week anyway for one doctor's appointment or another and I simply can't afford to take any more days off than I already do.  Also, even if I did go do something fun, I would still have a mountain of clean clothes piled on my dresser that threatens to avalanche and smother me in my sleep.  I know I know,  "you'll be a better mother if you take time for yourself."  I do! In fact I very intentionally take time for myself.  Just a couple days ago I went to a movie with my best friend and then we went out to dinner.  It was great!  And that little time did help.  But the truth of the matter is, and moms everywhere know this, that when you're a mother things are hard and you just have to suck it up and do what you have to do.  I am absolutely not minimizing the sacrifices that fathers have to make, but motherhood requires a whole different level of selflessness that I really thought I was ready for.  I guess I am ready for it, as if I had a choice, it just hits me every once in a while that this isn't some pet project that I'm totally in to for a few months and then it falls by the wayside.  Anyone can maintain total selflessness for a finite amount of time, but motherhood is never ending and that can wear on a girl.

So, my plan is to let myself have a rough day of it every once in a while.  Yea, motherhood is hard. This is not news.  Mothering twins, one of whom has special needs, working a full time job, and having a wonderful husband who travels is hard.  Acting like it's not hard isn't helpful to me, other people going through tough stuff, or to my children.  It's ok to cry about it.  It's ok to take a little ride on the grumpy train.  It's even ok to have a little pity party every once in a while.  As long as these things don't become who I am and as long as it's just a little ride and a little party.  Acting like everything is fine is just that, an act.  And everyone who knew me in high school, and came to see the plays I was in, knows that I'm a terrible actress.  So I will spare the world any more performances.

As if it were manna from heaven, I got a text message from a friend this afternoon.  She has twin girls and said that they would like to go to the park and would like even more if we could join them!  I guess the socialization, the vitamin D, and the joy of watching my children have fun all had a positive effect on my negative outlook.  When we got home it felt like all was right with the world.  For a moment.  But I'll take it!

Ok, you need some details about the goings on rather than my emotional ramblings. Here you go.  Penelope had a pulmonology appointment last friday and she was weaned from 24 breaths per minute to 20!!  She was also weaned from 1 liter of oxygen to .5!  So far she's been doing great.  Although, it seems she picked up a stomach bug at the hospital because for 2 or 3 days she was, shall we say, symptomatic.  She is all better now and just as happy as an adorable little lark.  She has developed a habit of pulling on her vent tubing and either disconnecting herself from the vent, or very nearly pulling her trach out.  It's clearly an attempt at manipulating people into coming over.  Who lets a baby who requires ventilation just sit there unhooked from the ventilator?  She's got us in a catch 22.  Smart little cookie.  She even will pull it off, hold it up, look at you and shake her head like "I know this is a no no but you have to come over here anyway!"  We are in so much trouble.

Lydia had a plastic surgery appointment to see about her ear tags.  She is scheduled for surgery on February 20th at 6 am (good thing I'm used to such early hours) and the procedure should only take 30 minutes plus recovery.  The doctor seemed to think it would be a very simple procedure so I'm not adding that to my list of things to worry about.  She has also added a few words to her vocabulary.  She now says dada, nana, yehyeh, dog, and baby clearly.  She says lots of other things not very clearly but very emphatically!  She was able to go off of her prevacid at her one year check up and is doing very well.  Her favorite food right now is green peas...I think she likes the color and shape more than the taste but it's what she prefers...and cheerios.

Oh, also, about Penny's rolling vent stand.  It was going to take Cigna a month to deny the claim and then give it to TennCare which would take who knows how long to approve or deny and then who knows how long after that to actually order and get it here....so I just ordered her one online.  We had some Christmas money for them saved so I figured that's just what she wanted!  It's wonderful!  It allows us to move her around the house much more easily.  We even had a family snuggle time in our bed!  I would have paid $300 just for that one experience! 

Now for the good stuff...cute babies

Hey check us out!

"Penny, your hair is all wiggidy whack" -L

Penny likes to hold her money with both hands

Lydia likes to eat it

 

A selection of Chu cousins

"seriously guys? you couldn't have used the 5 different kinds of cameras to take our picture together before we are so tired we are about to have a melt down?" -L and P

"yea, I'm crawlin.  what's it to ya?" -P

"Daddy hid my yogurt melt...anybody seen it?" -P

snuggle time in mommy and daddy's bed! brought to you by your friendly neighborhood rolling vent stand

Lydia likes to swing hiiiiigh!

Penny likes to swing like an parachuting granny

"what you doing over there daddy?" -L

"Dad, I know you're there but I'm not looking because I'm too cool" -P

hard at play

Penny and Mrs Kerri chatting (Mrs Kerri was one of Penny's LeBonheur pharmacists)

One of Mrs Kerri's sweet twin girls ready with Lydia.  They both did a great job of sharing.

 

 snaaaaaaaaahggles

"HA!"-P

 Penny and her new friend the rolling stand.  His name is Royce.

 "what Chu lookin at....haha..get it...Chu....oh nevermind" -P

 "Hows it goin?!" -L

 Mrs. Kim giving Penny her first pedicure

 adooooorable

 "just like the good ole days" L and P

Our first of many walks with Lynnlee and her parents. It was too cold and both the Chu girls threw fits, but Lynnlee loved it and we were all glad we did it...except for maybe Lydia...she just wanted to go home.