Free Therapy

Ok, as I sit here after Lydia's ligation surgery....uh..."indisposed"...or as I call it "grocery shopping for the babies"...I figure it's about time for less of an update and more of some free therapy.  A little blog about the feelings and less about the findings.  Hopefully I don't embarrass myself, but even if I do it won't be anything new. You do always have the option of going to another site rather than reading this whole thing...so feel free to exercise that right.

As Lydia was being prepped for surgery, Jonathan and I were just next door in Penelope's temporary new room.  After Penny has her surgery she'll be moved over to the twin room with her sister.  Anyway, as I was sitting there I was fine!  Peaceful, even excited!  Then just as we were about to head downstairs for some breakfast, I had an uncontrollable wave of emotion.  Maybe it was the leaving that triggered it, but I literally had to call Jonathan back in from the hall because I didn't want to blubber my way down to the cafeteria!  I knew that Lydia would be fine and that the doctor's know exactly what they're doing.  There wasn't any fear of something bad happening. Just emotion.  This is really nothing new to me, but usually it's a feeling rather than a flood of tears. 

This whole experience has been very bathed in tears.  Considering the circumstances, I'm pretty sure the majority of them are warranted and even healthy.  There's something to be said for releasing those stress hormones through tears, but also the fact that holding all of this in would just tear a person up.  I'm grateful that I'm not afraid to cry and extremely grateful that I have a husband who's not afraid of me crying too.  In fact, about half of the time he starts up before I do!  Mostly when we're reading our favorite book to the girls.

A dear friend who brought us dinner one night also brought a care package that included some very thoughtful gifts and one of those was a book called "How do I love you?"  Let me see if I can recall the words (didn't bring the book to the lactation room)

How do I love you? Let me count the ways.

I love you as the sun loves the bright blue days.

I love you as the bee loves the fragrant flower

I love you as a thirsty duck loves a sudden shower

I love you as a bird loves a song to sing

I love you as the waking bear loves the smell of spring

How to I love you? Let me tell you how

I love you as the nest loves the sturdy bough
I love you as a cat loves a sunny sill

and as the dancing snowflakes love the winters chill

I love you as the sea loves the sandy shore

And as the ancient world loves the dinosaur (I don't get this one so we're gonna rewrite it :))

I love you as the wind loves it's own sweet sound

and as our friendly earth loves to spin around

I love you as the moon loves each shining star

I love all that you will be and everything you are.

Of course I bawled like a baby when I read it the first time, and ever since, whenever we leave one of the girls or we tell them goodnight, we read this book and say a prayer.  Usually both induce crying.  Just thinking about the feeling of holding my precious girls makes me feel like a cat in a sunny sill.  Thinking about how this time is hard and uncomfortable but it will make their story all the more beautiful, makes me think of the snowflakes in the winter's chill.  The feeling of being a better person because I'm able to be with them and be their guiding light through life, makes me feel like the sun loving my sweet bright blue days.  This of course is the reason why I don't love the line about the ancient world and the dinosaurs...because I can't relate to how the world would love the dinosaurs...other than the fact that the dinosaurs populated the world and therefore the world loved them....that's a stretch.  Anyway, the point is, there are so many unexplainable ways that we love our children as parents and sometimes the only way to even get close to a description is to say something that sounds as crazy as "I love you as the sea loves the sandy shore" because I'll always be there for you.  We may have to part for a short time but I will always be back. We just don't make sense apart.

Ok, I've got myself crying now....therapy session over.